my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
