I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
