I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
