Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
