I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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