i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
