We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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