went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
