i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
you never un-have a 4some
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
