we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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