I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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