Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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