i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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