Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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