please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
