It's Friday. Sex?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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