I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
