I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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