The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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