I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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