whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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