I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
