i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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