just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
