Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
So squirting runs in the family.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
