those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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