its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
