Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
