Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Is it because I queefed?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
