She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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