He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
