Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You can't special order awesome
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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