Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
