i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
