When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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