How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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