Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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