I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
