i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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