I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
