my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
