Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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