I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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