Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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