today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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