I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
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ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
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There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize