just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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