you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
