Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
