I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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