I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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