problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
