good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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