My friends, they love my intelligence
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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