It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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