first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
