Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
