I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
why do cheetos always look like penises
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
