guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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