some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
