New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
