I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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