Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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